A letter to infertility

This week is the first ever World Childless Week.  This is a subject very close to my heart given that we are childless not by choice.  This week of raising awareness is vital to breaking the very real taboo that still exists around childlessness.  Writing for me has been a great outlet for my own thoughts but it has also allowed me to tell our story in the hope that there is a little more understanding and empathy towards those who are childless not by choice.  This post is a contribution to World Childless Week and I hope that it brings some comfort to others to know that you are not alone…it is my very personal letter to infertility.

Dear Infertility

There are really no words that describe what you have done to me or done to us.  You came into our lives without being asked.  You presented yourself slowly, each month as we didn’t achieve a pregnancy.  You really smacked us in the face when we found out that hubby had a low sperm count and from that day forward you have caused havoc and chaos at every turn.

It is safe to say that I hate you, with every ounce of my being I hate you.  In fact, everyone in our lives that knows about you also hates you.  It is because of you that we have endured countless rounds of IVF, all of which have failed.  Injections, pills, tests, scans, egg retrievals & embryo replacements all in the hope that we could fight you and beat you, yet to date we haven’t been able to.  Over time we found more reasons for you being in our lives, it wasn’t just the low sperm count, it was also the killer cells within me, the polycystic appearing ovaries & potentially a whole range of immune issues that are far too complex for me to begin to explain.  It actually doesn’t matter.  You are here and you are in our lives, in some way you always will be.

We have travelled to another country to try to beat you.  We have seen countless ‘experts’ who all have a slightly different opinion on how we might get the better of you & have the family that we have so longed for, the family that you seem determined to stop us from having.

You have cost us thousands of pounds, on tests, on IVF treatment, on alternative therapies, on books, on vitamin pills & on therapy as we try to move forward to a better place even with you still in our lives.  Oh how we wish that you hadn’t drained us financially, wasn’t it enough for you to drain us physically & emotionally?

You have made me feel like a failure on more occasions than I care to think about.  You sent me to the depths of depression. You made me think that I was not worthy of being on this planet because you dug your claws in and made me feel like I somehow wasn’t a woman & that there was no point in me being here.  That hurt, it hurt more than I can ever describe.  Fortunately I found the strength to fight back and here I am writing to you to tell the tale.

You have changed me, changed us, changed the relationships that we have.  At times you have made me jealous and bitter towards others.  You made it impossible for me to find joy when other people were lucky enough not to have you in their lives.  You have, at times, made having conversations with people about family life an impossibility.  You have made some of those around us feel uncomfortable in talking to us, connecting with us & us being in their lives.  I can assure you that they hate you as much as we do, but they are lucky & do not have to live with you every waking hour of every day like we have to.

You have been a tornado of destruction and you have given us a life that we never wanted and never asked for.  You have dealt us a hand that we have struggled to deal with for a long time.  You broke me, you broke us, but we found the strength to move forward even without the family that we wanted so badly.

Do me a favour and stay away from those around us.  You have done enough damage for a lifetime and no-one should ever have to suffer you.

Yours

Someone who is now finding Strength Through Infertility

 

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15 thoughts on “A letter to infertility

    • Reading your words felt like hearing my own heart. Feeling my own break. Suffering is still something that doesn’t end. Trying to “move forward” is a daily struggle, due to pain being a constant reminder of what is true and real. Thus is not a dream I’m living…it’s the nightmare. But, with all things, we try to move forward…heal. Try to pick up and become human again. Suffer more loss of the furbabies that gave us strength while we hoped and prayed…we suffered some more. Twice, to be exact. And with each, treated as if they were no different than a human child. Gave the same medical care and comforts…to no avail, because their lives are meant to be short…we outlive them, no matter what. Again, we suffer loss. Shake it off, right?
      So now, staring at an empty room, relationship with spouse unhinged…we try to figure out who we are…who we were meant to be…before loss broke us. Before INFERTILITY broke us…
      Thank you for your truth…your share…your heartbreak…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Every line of your post resonates my feelings for this infertility journey….specifically where you have written this
    “You have changed me, changed us, changed the relationships that we have. At times you have made me jealous and bitter towards others. You made it impossible for me to find joy when other people were lucky enough not to have you in their lives. You have, at times, made having conversations with people about family life an impossibility. You have made some of those around us feel uncomfortable in talking to us, connecting with us & us being in their lives”

    I know we are not bad or anything this journey makes us like that….be strong stay strong…Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. An utterly breathtaking letter. So honest and raw and real. I hope you know how strong you are and can feel proud of the you, you are. I join you in your hatred of infertility. It’s an evil the world could do without. It’s unfair, it causes so much pain and it hurts. You are an inspiration to share your story and help towards breaking the taboo which surrounds it. I wish you happiness and peace in whichever bend in the road your life takes you on. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love the ending to your letter. I remember my cousin having surgery and me crying as I sat with her mom & husband, asking the doctor if she would be able to have a baby. I said, “I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what we’ve been through.” My nieces are young, but honestly, I’ve started lifting little prayers, asking that they not have to go through any infertility battles. I’m so glad that I found this community and can be a part of World Childless Week!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I pray and hope everyday that no one else we know has to go through this but sadly there are many of us. I’m glad that you have found a place to be yourself, I struggled for so long to live with infertility let alone start to share our story. Thank you for taking the time to comment, it is much appreciated xx

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  4. This is an incredible piece, it brought tears to my eyes. So much resonated with me and I guess with everyone who lives with infertility. This week has been so emotional and also so powerful and inspiring. This post is the perfect end to this week, you are so captivating and I’m so glad that we connected. I would of course not wish either of us to be in this journey, but I for one, am glad to have such great company on it 💜💕

    Liked by 1 person

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