The Importance of Seeking Support

For those of you that read my blog regularly, you will know I’m a huge advocate of asking for help and seeking out support.  I have talked in some of my posts about the role that counselling has played in my more recent journey.  I never expected it to become part of my life. Up until a few years ago, I thought that seeing a counsellor meant I would never be a mum and we would be trying to move on from not having a family.  It was always something I would do when we had run out of options and it was just going to be the two of us.  I probably hoped we would never reach that point and therefore I would never have to go and bare my soul to a counsellor.  I used to see counselling as the thing that other people did, it was also something that I associated with ‘failure’.  I have seen others around me struggle, as I did, with the question of whether they should see a counsellor.  Given my own positive experience, I would always encourage others to try it.

We found out in 2008 that we would ‘just need a little help getting pregnant’.  In 2010 we embarked on our first IVF cycle.  Two IVF cycles with two stays in hospital due to OHSS, 12 embryos replaced with not even a hint of a second line, an IVF cycle abroad,  more tests that I can recall, 2 major house renovations and 4 house moves and a stressful job…finally in 2015 I hit rock bottom.  I knew it had been building for about 18 months, hubby tried to encourage me to go and talk to someone, I refused.  Surely that meant I had failed.  When I went to see the GP because I just couldn’t cope with life anymore, he said I needed 2 weeks off work and offered to add me to a 6 month waiting list for counselling.  I refused.  Two days later as I sat at home like a zombie, I knew I wasn’t getting through this, I knew I needed help.  This wasn’t something that my on-line IVF buddies could help me get through.  This wasn’t something family and friends could help me with.  In fact, they had slowly watched me deteriorate into a huge black hole and not one of them could do or say anything to get me out of it.  This was something I had to do.  The realisation hit me that I needed someone who knew what they were dealing with to help me help myself.

The impact of infertility on mental health isn’t often talked about.  It seems like many of us who go through tests, treatments and ultimately grief and loss, expect that we can just ‘get over it’, ‘move on’ or just ‘deal with it’.  I thought that too.  I thought the feelings of emptiness, sadness and loneliness would disappear as soon as we got a positive test.  We never got a positive.  The feelings didn’t disappear.  I don’t think they ever will, but I now know when they are coming and I know they will go again.  Before I sought help, they were just there.  All of the time.  Nothing made any sense.  I hated myself, I hated life.  I didn’t feel like I had a purpose.  I had no future, nothing to look forward to and nothing to work for.  I asked myself often ‘why me’.  Truth is, there is no answer to that question.

I used to be active on a couple of fertility forums.  I would post on the cycle buddies threads as I went through cycle after cycle with others.  In the first few cycles, I celebrated the positive outcomes of others with them.  As time went on, I felt left behind.  I never got a positive and there I was, now cycling with IVF newbies who then also seemed to get their positives.  Forums provided me with some of the most useful information, its how I found out about NK cells, immune testing and opened my eyes to the possibility of IVF abroad.  After transfer 5 I came off the forums.  The reality was, they had become another source of making me feel like a failure. I did everything that everyone else was doing, they seemed to get a positive, all I got was an emoji virtual hug.  For me, they were great in the early days, but as I became more experienced and endured more loss, they became a space that was unhealthy for my mental health.  Stepping away was the only thing I could do.  Don’t be afraid to move away from something that is having an negative impact on you.

When I was looking for a counsellor, I had no idea what I was looking for or where to find it.  My trusted friend, Google provided lots of information.  I knew I needed someone that knew something about infertility.  A few searches later and I had found someone that I thought ‘may’ be able to help me.  A couple of days later I experienced my first counselling session.  I’m not going to say that I instantly knew it was going to help me.  It took me a few sessions to start to see how counselling might help me help myself.  It took a bit longer for me to start to truly open up and trust the person sat opposite me.  But with time and care, it happened.  Once that happened, I started to really experience the positive impact that it was having on my life.  Little things started to shift, but even with the small shifts I started to feel better.  I started to feel in some control again.  I even started to think about things other than infertility and treatment.  My life had been utterly consumed for years and here I now was talking and thinking about a life that may or may not include children.  I never thought that would be possible for me, so deep rooted was the desire to have a family.

Talking to someone who had not known anything about us felt strange at first but even after the first session I felt a huge sense of relief that I finally had an outlet.  More importantly, the person sat opposite me seemed to ‘get’ me.  For the first time in a long time I felt like someone was not only listening, but was actually hearing what I was saying.  No inappropriate comments, no ‘relax and it will happen’ rubbish, finally an acknowledgment of our infertility and the impact that it had on our lives.  I could say what I wanted, no judgement, just empathy and understanding.

I started to see that it was no wonder I was in the throws of depression and struggling to function, I had come to expect that I could just get on with life even though I hadn’t really dealt with the impact that infertility was having on me.  I was staring back at the last few years and I had to start to acknowledge it and then try to deal with it in order to move forward.  And that is what I did.  I talked and talked and talked.  Some times I didn’t talk so much.  Moments of silence sometimes say a lot.

When we embarked on our first IVF cycle, no one said that we would still be trying 8 years later and that it would send me into the darkest depths of depression.  Of course, it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happened to me and it probably didn’t have to.  Counsellors seemed to be hidden in the depths of dark corridors in clinics.  I viewed them as the person that was offered when IVF doesn’t work and the nurse on the end of the phone doesn’t really know what to say, which only fed the belief that counselling equals failure.

I look back on all of those times I was offered a counsellor, I should have said yes.  Consumed by grief that I didn’t want to deal with in that moment, of course I always said no.  Perhaps if I had dealt with the aftermath of a cycle immediately I would not have reached the point of a deep depression.

I can see those around me watching for signs that it happening again following our recent loss.  It isn’t.  It isn’t because I now ask for help, I seek out support and I talk.  Counselling is one of those outlets and I wouldn’t ever go through a treatment cycle without it.

If you are reading this and wondering if you should try counselling because you are struggling, please don’t be afraid to try it.  I am lucky that I found a counsellor that was the right fit for me, but if I hadn’t then I would have sought out another one.  I now view life differently,  I have times of sadness but they pass, I have someone who walks with me as I keep going through whatever comes next, supporting me and helping me to find my own way forward.

Finding a good counsellor who has an understanding of the impact of infertility can help you change your life.  That is exactly what it did for me.  Never be afraid to seek out support or ask for help.  Infertility is difficult to navigate, it brings feelings of loss, grief, sadness, anger, emptiness and loneliness.  Who wouldn’t need help to deal with all of those feelings?  Be kind to yourself, always.  Most of all, know that seeing a counsellor doesn’t mean that you have failed, it means that you know you need someone to be your person for a while as you move forward through the maze of infertility.  Without support it can be a lonely place.

Useful links:

BICA – British Infertility Counselling Association

National Fertility Society

Fertility Network UK

The question of “Giving Up”

I’ve been asked over the years if I’m ready to give up.  Our latest cycle seems to have raised that question again.  Before I go any further I want you all to know that it hurts to hear these words.  I wonder if those that ask this question have ever walked this path or have ever thought (and I mean truly thought) about what they would do if they had been dealt this hand.  For most people, they fortunately will never have to make decisions about the path they choose to take to try to have a family.  I am glad that they have never had to even think about the things that we think about every day, I hate that anyone has to go through this.

Why should I give up?  8 years, 7 transfers, 13 embryos…maybe it is enough, maybe its never going to work.  We have 5 more embryos frozen.  At the moment, that is 5 more chances.  Of course, there may come a point in the future where we decide to move on, but that is very different to ‘giving up’.

‘Giving up’ somehow implies that I don’t want it enough.  It implies that I need to admit defeat.  I have news.  This isn’t something that either defeats you or you beat it.  We entered the world of assisted conception 8 years ago, completely naive to the fact that we thought IVF would work first time.  Even the GP told us we would ‘just need a little help getting pregnant’.  For us, IVF it didn’t work first time.  We seem to live in a place where hope is given and then within a few weeks it is gone again.  Yet we continue to move forward.  Our relationship has been tested in ways I never thought possible.  I have had more medical procedures than I care to admit.  I have suffered depression as a result of not dealing with things when it didn’t go well.  I have felt left behind, out of touch with those around us and I have lost people who were once my friends.  There is a vacuum of silence between me and most people ‘close’ to us as they struggle to know what to say and I brace myself for what they might say.  Its a lose lose situation.  Everyone else around us moves forward, mostly with families that have grown over the past few years and will continue to do so over the coming years.  Our route to parenthood isn’t as simple as it is for many, but does that mean I should now ‘give up’.

Infertility will never defeat me because I am not at war with it.  It is part of me, it is part of us and our lives.  Saying the words ‘we give up’ will not make that go away or change it.  We have made the decision to continue to try to have a family.  I know it is not in the conventional way, but for us it is the only way it is possible.  Whilst we have the strength, courage, hope and probably just as important, the money, to keep having treatment, then we will.

There will come a point where we will move on.  In fact, this time last year I thought I was at that point.  It didn’t feel like I was ‘giving up’, it felt like I was starting to move on in a different direction.  I spent what felt like weeks and weeks in counselling sessions saying that I thought I would ok if we didn’t continue with treatment, but seemingly going round in circles, probably trying to convince myself that it was the truth.  We hadn’t had any treatment for 12 months & I was feeling the best I had done for a long time.  It turns out that I wasn’t quite ready to move on.  Something was telling us both that we would regret it if we didn’t have at least one more cycle of IVF.  It was a joint decision to find a new clinic and have more treatment.  It was the right decision for us.  Just as the decision right now to have further treatment with the embryos that we have frozen is also the right decision.

I went into the last frozen transfer with a renewed hope and positivity.  I am afraid of treatment, but that is because I know the reality of what it feels like and what the drugs do to me.  Yet, I am still willing to try.

Seeing 2 lines for the first time in 12 years truly was one of the best days of our lives together.  The day I started to bleed was one of the worst days of our lives together.  Being pregnant and then miscarrying has made our grief and sadness so much deeper that it has ever been before, but it has also given us renewed hope that one day somebody may call us ‘mum and dad’.  Should we ‘give up’ on that now?  Yes I am sad, I am angry, I think why me, I have no explanation as to why 6 transfers haven’t worked and why 1 did work and then didn’t continue to develop.  There is a place in my heart for all 13 embryos and there always will be.  I will always think of the dates that they would have been here with us and how old they would be now.  That will never leave me.  I know that 17th November will be etched on my brain and in my heart forever.  We have been through a lot, maybe if I was reading this story I too would be asking why we ‘keep going’.  And yet we are not ready to move on.  Our last cycle did the opposite, it gave us hope that at least one our 5 remaining embryos may actually stick around for the duration.  Whilst I know I am in the depths of sadness right now, I also know that in time it will lessen and I will be ready to transfer another of our embryos.  And as I keep being told, hope is everything.

Maybe its easier for those around us if we ‘give up’?  Of course it probably would be, they wouldn’t have to ride the roller coaster that we ride with each cycle, they too could get off.  Maybe they have ‘given up’ on us after all this time.  That’s ok too.  I get it, our story is now getting a little boring.  We don’t have a baby for all of our efforts, the reality is we may never have one.  It is probably hard for those people around us to watch us each time we are plunged to the depths of sadness and hope that we crawl ourselves out of it.  Each time we do.  It perhaps scares people that I may drift to a place of darkness.  Just because the tears are flowing and I feel sad right now for what might have been, it doesn’t mean that I am going to get to the same place I did before.  I got there because I didn’t cry or talk about it.  The fact that I am is a good thing.  It means I am dealing with it and not burying it.  How many times can we go through this?  To that there is no answer, I know that we will know when it’s time to move on.  I wonder if people would like me to say I’ve given up so that I can somehow forget what we have been through the past 10 years and just ‘get on’ with life?  I will never forget any of it.  I am changed.  I am different to most people that I know in the real world.  Infertility and our journey means that I always will be.  I have accepted this, I just hope one day that others can also accept this about me.

So, please don’t ask if it is time we gave up or if I’m ready to give up…when it is time for us to move on, we will let you know.

Small Steps

The last few weeks I have struggled, swinging from being ok to being completely grief stricken.  My stress levels have been building, my anxiety has sky rocketed and have just generally felt rubbish.

Last weekend I had to pee on a stick to check that my body had ‘dealt with’ the miscarriage.  Staring at a negative test filled me with so many emotions, sadness that it was finally over, anger that we had to go through this, panic that we may never see two lines again and fear about what comes next.  The clinic called me a day later to check that I had a negative test.  The nurse talked about a follow up appointment, apparently it would be something to look forward to.  I corrected her, in a nice way of course.  I am forever disappointed, yet not surprised, by the lack of empathy and support that clinics show to patients.  I still haven’t been asked if I would like to speak to a counsellor.  Maybe it’s not in the script, who knows.  Its pretty poor though.  All they seem interested in is when I go back for a follow up and for another transfer.  Basic support seems to be lacking.  It really needs to change.

I have days where I feel generally ok.  Work is completely manic at the moment but at least it means the time passes quickly.  What is also means is that my stress levels are through the roof.  I have been working long hours just to try and keep things under control.  I haven’t been eating properly.  I wake up early worried about things.  I have pain in my back and shoulders.  All of these are my stress indicators.  I can hear them screaming at me to stop.  I cannot stop.  I feel a huge sense of responsibility to do the job to the best of my ability.  I suppose work is a great distraction, but at the same time I am also very aware that we are hoping to do another FET in the next 8 weeks and being in a state of high stress is not going to help me one bit.  In fact, I wouldn’t cope with it and so I cannot allow it to continue.  I can also feel myself hurtling towards the point of another panic stricken breakdown.  Last weekend I had moments of feeling like I did when I hit rock bottom.  For most of the day I felt the same way that I did on that fateful Sunday in December 2015 when I knew I couldn’t carry on as I was.  It was a scary place to be.  I never want to go back there.  I am determined not to.  So, it is time for some self care.  I need to try and re-balance things.  Easier said than done.

In the aftermath of the last treatment cycle, I feel alone.  I am surrounded by people and yet there are times when I feel completely alone.  Our latest cycle only added to the desire for a family.  I feel like I have been pushed back 5 years in our journey as the yearning for a family throws me back into the depths of feeling empty, feeling like something is missing and feeling that I am so far apart from those around me that I just can’t connect with anyone.  I thought I had moved on from these feelings, but I suppose it just shows how quickly it can all come flooding back.  A family was within reach, we had done it…but no, a cruel twist of something came and snatched it away from us.  And once again I am left with a heart smashed into a thousand pieces.  People struggle to say the right thing.  People struggle to say anything.  Someone dared suggest that at least now I know I can get pregnant…just no.  On so many levels, just no.  I understand the sentiment but no, not right now.  I am plagued by the feelings infertility brings, right now it will not leave me.  I know in time I will move forward.  I have done it before and I will do it again.

 

Lots of people have asked us when we will do another cycle.  I swing from wanting to do it as quickly as possible because I want to be pregnant and have a baby, to never wanting to put us through it again.  The thought of hormone patches, scans, injections, steroids and an embryo transfer fills me with utter dread.  I have always been filled with hope when we knew we were having FET.  Now I am filled with fear.  Maybe it is too soon to be thinking about it, but I can’t dwell on what has happened last time.  I need to find the strength to move forward.  Grief will come and go.  We all reach the point at different times of knowing when we are ready to go again.  If we get to June and I’m not ready, I won’t do it.

For now, it is small steps to start to prepare.  I have started to walk the dog more often, the fresh air definitely helps with the stress levels.  It will hopefully help me get rid of a few pounds that I put on during our last cycle too.  I need to address the stress issues at work and this time I will not be consumed by it, but it is easier said than done.  I have booked an acupuncture session in 2 weeks time.  I didn’t do it with the last FET but I think it may help my anxiety levels.  We have a follow up appointment at the clinic at the beginning of May.  I’m not expecting them to change anything but we can’t cycle again without the follow up.  All chocolate is removed from the house, healthy eating starts again from now.  Today I have started my vitamins again.  Small steps indeed.  But important ones.

I need to try and work through the fear and reach a place of hope.  This quote sums it up perfectly:

“Never let fear make decisions for you.  Try to make life choices from a hope-filled perspective, as this will give you the greatest potential of achieving a happy life” 

Zoe Clark-Coates, Saying Goodbye  

The next few weeks will be key for me in deciding what to do next, more treatment or not.  All I can do is take each day as it comes, look after myself, be kind to myself and know that it will get easier with time.  The moments of grief will pass, the emptiness will lessen and I will find a way to move forward positively.  I have to.

Endings…& New Beginnings

Two weeks ago I felt like my life was falling to pieces and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  In my last post I wrote about surviving the first seven days after my miscarriage.  Another week has passed and still the grief hits me in waves.  I have also felt the anger come to the surface.  The questions that no-one can answer, why me? why us? why did this happen?  In reality, we will never know why.  All we do know is that we have been through so much in the last 10 years since being given our infertility diagnosis, I really don’t know how much more we can take.

For the last week, each morning when I left the house for work I have cried.  It starts when I tell our puppy, J, that mummy loves him.  I haven’t stopped saying it, I have said it to him since the day we had him, just now it seems more loaded.  I know one day it won’t bring the tears, but for now, it does and that’s ok.  My grief, my tears are an expression of love.

The loss, the grief, the hope that gives us nothing but heartache, the sadness, the tears, the anger, the feeling of being broken, the emptiness, the sheer exhaustion of it all.  In the immediate days after our loss, I wondered if I would ever be able to put me and us through it again.  Sometimes I feel done.  I can take no more.  Then I think about the 5 embryos that we have frozen, the embryos that we created (with a lot of help from the embryologists of course) and I know I cannot walk away from them.  I also know that it has changed me, just as infertility changed me, this too has left a mark on me that will last forever.  I know I have already started to move forward.  But I will never forget.

Each day feels a little easier and then it hits again.  But that’s ok.  We have tried to resume normal life.  We have even started to think about the future again, we have to otherwise what else do we have.  The FET cycle that we just went through is now over, it has ended.  It ended in the most awful way and I wish it hadn’t, but no matter how much I want to change it, I can’t.

 I am reminded that with endings, come the possibility of new beginnings.

We have 5 more embryos waiting for us.  I need to start looking after myself again, getting healthy and basically I need to stop consuming my body weight in chocolate.  I have no idea how long it will be before I feel ready to go through another FET cycle, but I know I will get there.  And when I do, I need to be as healthy as possible.

We have a holiday booked so we can get some time away and hopefully some sunshine.  It will give us some time out and hopefully some space to heal.  To breathe.  To just be.

This week I finished my college course.  Another ending.  I have spent the last 6 months with some truly amazing people, all on their own paths, but all of us trying to reach the same end point of becoming counsellors.  I have been touched by each and every person in some way, the stories that they have shared and the safe space that was created so that I too could grow.  I feel lucky to have been on a learning journey with each of them.  Many of them are continuing to study together, my path is different.  So, I said a heartfelt goodbye to each and every one of them.  The tutor has held us together as a group, encouraged us, questioned us, guided us and most importantly has allowed us to just be us.  I feel privileged to have been taught by her.  She too has touched my life in a positive way and she has helped me to grow and flourish.  Saying goodbye to them all was hard, but I know in this course ending, we are all moving to a new, wonderful beginning.

It is 6 months until I start my university course and I can’t wait to get going!  Last week in the throws of sadness and anger I was going to withdraw from the course but with the dark clouds slowly clearing I can see that would be a huge mistake and if I want this I have to grasp the opportunity with both hands and give it my all.  No-one else is going to change my life, my career, only I can do that.

And so I have made progress.  I have bad moments, sad moments, angry moments, moments when I think depression is seeping back into my life.  But they are just that, moments.  Moments that pass.  Moments that are followed by brighter moments.  One day at a time, things are getting easier.  The miscarriage has changed me, why wouldn’t it?  I will never forget and I will never stop thinking about what might have been.  But I am digging deep to find the strength & courage to move forward.  It is all I can do to get through this.

Time for Self Care

More and more I hear the term ‘self care’, but what does it actually mean?  Being stuck running the gauntlet of infertility puts a spotlight on every aspect of life, including relationships with those around us.  One thing I have learned is that I really can’t rely on anyone around me to take care of me.  That doesn’t mean that people around me can’t walk with me, hold me for a while and help me through the tough times, but in terms of looking after the essence of me, that’s up to me.

I decided that I wasn’t going to blog through our frozen embryo cycle.  I suppose this is part of my idea of self care.  I wanted to protect myself and hubby from the outside world when it came to finding out the result of our next cycle.  We both agreed that I would keep the cycle off the blog until we knew the outcome.  We are now mid-way through our cycle, I am pumped full of drugs and the embryo will hopefully be transferred in the coming days; yet I am wondering if I made the right decision about closing down the outlet for my thoughts and feelings as we go through this process yet again.  Writing has been part of my self care for the last few months and yet here at a time when I probably need that outlet more than ever, I cut it off.  It feels good to be writing but I’ve realised I don’t need to blog the in’s and out’s of our cycle at this point.  That can come later.  What’s important is that I write what I am able to write and what I feel able to share with you all.  Being honest, if my blog was anonymous I would probably write about the intricate details of this current cycle, the tears, the doubt, the anger and the anxiety.  I would also probably give a day by day account of the two week wait that I head into within the coming days.  I don’t feel able to do that on this cycle…but that’s about me rather than anyone that knows me who may be reading.  I suppose it’s part of my self care strategy, I don’t want to expose myself by giving a blow by blow account as this cycle is happening.  I don’t want to be vulnerable, I don’t want to show my lack of positivity, I don’t want everyone knowing that I’m struggling to get from day to day and I don’t want to feel pressure to let everyone know the outcome as soon as we know.  But that’s what infertility is doing to me right now.  I haven’t had an embryo transferred, yet I cannot get to a positive place thinking about the outcome.  All I can see is negativity.  I do not want to hear the words “just stay positive”.  I’ve done that 6 times before, I’ve thought positively about 12 embryos.  It made not one bit of difference.  So, I know I’m struggling and I’m trying to take care of myself.  Which leads me to one self care strategy that I’ve not had in my previous transfer cycles…counselling.

I sometimes wonder whether those that read my blog regularly get a little bored of reading about how vital counselling has become to help get me through each stage of our infertility journey.  I see it as looking after my emotional health.  Given how anti-counselling I was until I had a breakdown, I’m as amazed as anyone at my complete shift in how important it has become to getting through these times.  I have been to the depths of depression because of hope, positivity and IVF cycles that did not work.  I am not going back there.  I will not stand in the shower after a cycle hasn’t worked and question my reason for being on this planet, it is not happening.  I have spent the last few weeks swinging through all sorts of emotions, I have felt numb, I have felt angry, I have been in floods of tears and I have been full of hope too.  The feelings can change in an instant and I had no idea where they were coming from.  So this week, I spent time with my counsellor talking through some of the feelings.  I reached the point of realising that most of them were being driven by deep rooted anxiety.  I just thought I was becoming an out of control emotional wreck, but I’m not, I need some self care to help me manage my anxiety.  We then talked about how I could manage my anxiety through the coming days.  Not weeks, not into the future, not thinking about all possible outcomes, but the coming day or two.  That’s where I needed to start.  It is hard but all I can do is try.

I have found so much support through Twitter, but I realised in the same counselling session that by being on it so much I was surrounding myself with the journeys of others and that was causing me to worry about our own cycle.  I have been through this so many times and I have only ever had a negative outcome that I don’t think I believe it will ever actually be positive.  Seeing others also have negative outcomes is heartbreaking and I just couldn’t cope.  It was starting to fuel my anxiety.  I try to support others as much as possible, but I had to admit that I was struggling and unfortunately I had to take a step back.  I know I have to put myself first, care for myself.  I also know that my infertility sisters on Twitter will understand and they know I will be back with them as soon as I feel able.  I also know that they will be rooting for us and supporting us every step of the way.  So to my Twitter buddies, a huge thank you for being you!

Talking of support, I facilitate a support group for Fertility Network UK.  Through this group I have connected with some amazing people.  I offered to start the group so that I could help others.  It has also helped me more than I ever thought possible.  Our support group is relatively small but I love that I have been able to meet with people who ‘get it’.  We speak the same language of IVF.  It makes a huge difference & for their support I will always be grateful.

I am struggling to keep my weight to the normal levels.  I put too much pressure on myself when going through IVF.  I have hormone patches stuck on my belly, my body is being pumped full of drugs and not fitting in my jeans has led to tears.  I have to be honest and say that I have skipped the odd meal here and there over the last few weeks to try and keep the weight off, it hasn’t worked.  I won’t be doing that moving forward.  I need to take care of my body and nourish it the best I can.  If I put on some weight I will go and buy a new pair of jeans.  If the cycle works, I will be putting even more weight on and if it doesn’t I will loose the weight.  It isn’t important right now and worrying about weight will only fuel my anxiety further.  So for now, it is parked.  I am not thinking about it any more.

I haven’t put my life on hold this time, like I have done for the previous 10 years and 9 cycles.  I haven’t started to think about the ‘what if it works’ scenario.  I can’t because I know it will start to creep into other things.  I applied to go back to university for a part time course, I had an interview this week and I nearly didn’t go because, well if the treatment works how can I possibly study and the whole process was worrying me, should I be doing it right now because I’m going through treatment?  I decided to go for it, I need to know I have a future even if I’m never going to be a mum.  I figure it is also part of my self care, putting me first.  What I thought was going to be a 20 minute interview turned into a 2.5 hour group discussion and interview.  They said I would have to wait 2 weeks to hear if I got a place.  I got an email the next day to offer me a place.  And so, putting myself first, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, not thinking or stressing about the ‘what if’s’ now means I have a place on a course that could see a whole new and different future for me.  It isn’t my plan B, its my life, my future.  There is no ‘plan’, I feel like I have accepted that my life will just be what it will be.

Self care means that I need to take things day by day.  I need to try not to think about whether the embryo will thaw, whether I will bleed early or whether I make it to test date and its negative.  I need to get through each day and see what happens.  I need to look after my emotional and physical health.  I hope I reach a place of positivity and I hope that our little embryo decides to stick around this time.  I know I will be heartbroken if it doesn’t work, but I also know that with lots of self care I can get through just about anything.  Self care isn’t about the big gestures, its about the little aspects of everyday life.  In the words of my counsellor…

“…if it feels like no-one else is around to hug you, then you have to learn to hug yourself”  

Wise words indeed.  Self care is about loving and looking out for yourself, that is what I need to do right now.

I know it’s hard for those around us to really understand what this feels like, and so this cycle I have no expectation of you.   All I ask is that you walk with us if and when you feel able, that you ask how we are both doing from time to time and that you understand that we are going through something pretty huge right now and we may need to put ourselves first, it is self care all the way for the next few weeks.  To those of you that have reached out to us in the last few weeks, whether through social media or in our ‘real’ world, from me to you a heartfelt thank you.  It means more than you will ever know.

Getting through Christmas

For years now I have struggled with Christmas.  I am indeed known as The Grinch to those around us.  The Grinch also happens to be one of my favorite Christmas films.  It just resonates.  I don’t find it upsetting that people liken me to The Grinch and I hope this post helps to explain how I got here.  Struggling with Christmas and just trying to survive.  Hiding myself away, finding comfort in my own company and being ok with being different.  It is only a few weeks before Christmas and we have no tree up, no decorations up and we are the only house in the street not to have lights outside.  Right now, I can’t be bothered.

I haven’t always struggled at Christmas.  As a child I remember the excitement, the build up, picking what I wanted Santa to bring (mainly from the Argos catalogue), rehearsing Christmas concerts, visiting family to drop presents off.  All of it.  I suppose we learn that Christmas is about children.  And we don’t have any of our own to share this time of the year with.

Somewhere along the way I have also lost my faith.  I no longer go to church and I’m no longer part of that community either, as they celebrate ‘the true meaning of Christmas’.  Indeed, my mum always reminded me that Santa as we know him now in his red suit was in fact shaped largely by a well known drinks manufacturer.  As a child, Christmas was as much about the arrival of Jesus as it was about the arrival of Santa.

In the early days of trying to conceive, we would look to Christmas as a marker for the year.  Maybe we would have a baby before Christmas and as the year progressed maybe I would be pregnant by Christmas.  As Christmas got closer, maybe we would have some happy news to share with family at Christmas.  Of course, this was all fantasy.  For us it never came to fruition.  As the years passed and the treatments failed, I fell further and further into depression.  Those around us started to have families and I really started to struggle, in fact some years I haven’t coped at all.  It wasn’t that I was jealous of them, it was that it brought a deep sense of sadness to me.  This time of the year is a reminder of the life we wanted so much and yet for some reason we just aren’t able to have it.

I put together Christmas Eve boxes for the children in our lives, hoping one day I will be able to do it for our own children but knowing that may never be the case.  Somewhere deep inside, that hurts.

I wrap the presents for Christmas and think about the ages that our children would be if any of our treatments had worked.  Would our spare bedroom currently look like a Pokemon explosion had gone off, or that Batman had taken hold of the house, or would it be filled with Barbie and pretend dragons?  At the moment it is all of those things & I’m glad we are able to spoil the children in our lives, but at the same time I am filled with a huge sense of sadness.  Even writing this is painful.  As we spend time on Christmas Day watching them unwrap everything, there are times when my heart literally feels like it is bursting and I have to fight the tears back.  I know in those moments I have to step away and then come back when the feeling has passed.  No-one ever notices but me.

I have learned over the years where my limits are and that has been key to me being able to get through the holidays.  So my tips for getting through this time of year:

• Put yourself first – if you think a situation is going to upset you then say ‘no’.  Those that know and love you will understand.  If it creates a problem, that’s for the other person to deal with and not you.  They will get over it.
• Close the door – if you need to lock yourself away to protect yourself, then do it.  Your feelings are the most important thing, do what you need to do.  You don’t need permission from anyone else.
• Shop on-line – I avoid the shops at all cost.  I think the local delivery guys wonder whats wrong if they don’t drop something off at our house during December.  I don’t want to see the decorations, listen to the music and wrestle with the crowds.
• Buy nice food  – diet goes out of the window for me.  I don’t go mad but if we want something different then we will have it.  I’ve missed the on-line slots this year so I will have to brave the supermarket but that will be an early morning trip and my trolley will be full of whatever I want.
• Know when it’s time to leave – if you are at a gathering and are struggling then have a key word that you use so that your partner knows its time to go.  Don’t stay in a situation that is causing you sadness or upset.  Its ok to leave.
• Buy plenty of tissues – its ok to cry, infertility is hard to cope with and even more so at Christmas
• Create your own ‘traditions’ – we take part in some of the family traditions, but we have started to create our own.  We go out for lunch on Christmas Eve, we watch films on Boxing Day.  We try to do things that we enjoy, just us two.
• Take time off work if you can/need to – there seems to be an assumption that those without children are ok to cover the Christmas period at work.  For me there is nothing worse than being in work.  I don’t want to hear those with children talking about how fabulous it is/has been.  It hurts, it cuts deep and so if I can I ask for the time off.  I don’t always get it as we have to ‘take turns’ but I never let them assume I’m ok to go to work just because I don’t have children.  Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t have a family.
• Spoil yourselves – we ask for spa vouchers for Christmas so that we can have a day in an adult environment, being pampered and relaxing.  Bliss.

Christmas is hard.  It is upsetting.  At times I am filled with utter sadness.  Yet I have to find the strength to get through it.  I am not The Grinch.  I am simply protecting myself and putting us first.  I am sad about the life that we wanted so badly and yet we are unable to have right now.

If you are struggling at this time of the year, be kind to yourself and know that it’s ok not to be ok.  Christmas soon passes, a new year of hope begins and the torturous road of infertility continues.  Maybe next year I will be writing something different, maybe we will have a baby, maybe we won’t.  As I write this we are mid way through an IVF cycle & so I don’t know what our future holds.  I am not heading into Christmas thinking about what is to come for us, I am trying to live in the here and now.  The sadness is real and that’s ok.

IVF cycle number 9 begins…

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had time to sit and write.  The last 2 weeks have been a little crazy but I think everything I filled my time with has helped me prepare for what we have just embarked on.  I am on day 3 of stims for what is our fourth fresh cycle but this is our 9th cycle in total.  Even writing it, it seems a little unreal that it is us in this situation, but we are and we have to go with it.

How do you prep for a cycle?  Well, there is no straightforward or single answer.  For me, I’ve just made myself as busy as possible.

I’ve had a couple of counselling sessions, which have really helped me to calm my fears and anxiety.  I would not be doing this again without those sessions.  My anxiety has been up and down, talking it through has helped immensely.  My counsellor also has a wonderful way of bringing me back down to earth from planet ‘lets think about all of the worst possible outcomes’.  I’m a natural worrier, a pessimist maybe, I look for the negative in everything.  I cannot allow that to take control of me right now, so I’ve used my counselling sessions to bring me back round to a place of calm.  I promised myself a few weeks ago that I would take care of me through this next cycle, yet I found myself questioning whether I should take time off work or not.  I seemed to be going round in circles between wanting to give this IVF cycle my whole focus and having some loyalty with work & feeling like that was also a priority.  After a heavy session yesterday evening, I knew today that I have to put this first and I have to accept that its ok that I do that.

I’ve also used my time over the last few weeks to try to help others going through this thing called infertility.  If you read my blog regularly you will know that I volunteer for Fertility Network UK and last week was the first meet up of the support group that I run for them.  I was really nervous in case no-one turned up.  I shouldn’t have been.  It was a small group but it was great just to chat with others who really ‘get it’.  All of us were at very different points on our journey’s but yet we were able to just talk, freely and openly.  I’m so glad I took the leap of faith in myself to get involved.  It is great to be able to support and encourage others who are going through the same thing.  Its a very different kind of support to my counselling, but no less important.  I have already set the date for the next one in the New Year.

I was also approached a couple of months ago by Natalie who produces The Fertility Podcast.  I came across the podcasts a few months ago through Twitter (@fertilitypoddy) and listened to a couple of them.  It is a great resource for anyone trying to conceive or going through assisted conception.  Natalie had read my blog and asked if I would talk to her about how infertility had affected my mental health.  It is something that I had written about in my blog but had never really spoken in depth with anyone about (other than my counsellor).  Of course, I said yes!  This was a fantastic opportunity to help raise awareness about the deep impact of infertility and treatments on mental health.  It isn’t something that I have seen much written or talked about, so if my own story helps others then I was happy to talk about it.  I knew it would be quite exposing but the only way that I’m truly going to help raise awareness is to be honest and to own my story, even when that means talking about some of the depths that I sunk to because of infertility.  I am so glad that I said ‘yes’ that I am now part of such a fantastic resource.

My first ever podcast can be heard here.

Last weekend was hubby’s birthday, so we booked a weekend away.  In the back of my mind I knew this would also be the weekend that our next IVF cycle might start.  And it did.

Saturday was cycle day 1.  I called the clinic to request treatment.  I was told someone would call me back to let me know that I was ok to start.  An hour later the phone rang.  This was it, this was the start.  I was to do my first injection the next day, between 6 am and 8 am.  I was booked in for a blood test on day 4 so that my E2 levels can be monitored closely due to my OHSS history.  A scan was booked for day 7.

Sunday morning at 7.30 am, I snapped the top of the Menopur bottle, mixed the first lot of drugs, held the needle and quickly stabbed myself.  There was no panic, no hovering, no hesitation.  It was done.  Monday morning at 7.30 am, injection number 2 was done.

Monday evening I felt really tired and a little uncomfortable.  I also felt very emotional and on the verge of tears, yet none came.  Tuesday morning at 7.30 am and injection number 3 was done.  I started to get ready for work but something inside was screaming at me not to go, its too much.  I need to just concentrate on this right now.  I called the Doctors surgery and waited for a phone call back.  The GP that rang me back was lovely and has signed me off for 3 weeks.  That will hopefully be enough time to go through the stims and come out the other side (without OHSS).

And so it begins.  My ovaries are kicking into action and reacting to the drugs.  I am very aware that something is going on inside me and I just have to try to stay calm and not panic.

I will not overstimulate…I will not overstimulate…I will not overstimulate…

Tomorrow I head to the clinic for a blood test and then they will let me know whether to change the dose of Menopur.

I also received the bill this morning from the clinic, there isn’t much change out of £6,000 because we are having a freeze all and we have also decided to use the embryoscope this time.  I’m annoyed that I have to pay extra for it but in the words of hubby, we are throwing everything at this cycle.

I feel ok, I feel well, I feel calm.  Hubby is excited that we may actually have a chance to have a family, I am petrified.  Petrified of so many things, but whatever happens, I know I will be ok.

A New Perspective

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a true reflection of our fertility treatment journey.  Fertility treatment is about more than going through a process of drugs, scans, egg retrievals and embryo transfers.  It is about the person as a whole, mind & body.  It is about the people we meet along the way & the relationships that come and go.  This post is about where I am with all of that right now.

I met someone new this week who has given me a different way of looking at what I have been through.  Its amazing how a few sentences can bring a change of perspective.

One of my favourite musicals is Wicked.  I don’t know why, it just is.  The words to one song always resonates with me, they always have…

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

I’m a huge believer that people come into our lives at the right time.  Some stay for a while, others just appear and disappear again.  I find that people enter when they are supposed to and leave when they are supposed to.  I honestly didn’t think anyone could teach me something new about myself where my own fertility journey is concerned.  I was wrong.

During my very first counselling session nearly 2 years ago, after I had given a whirlwind tour of our fertility treatments to that point, my counsellor observed that I was traumatised.  All the years of treatment and embryos not implanting had meant that time after time I have suffered one trauma after another.  When she used the word trauma, I honestly thought it was a bit strong.  Yes, I’d been through a lot, felt like I’d lost something (even though I never had it in the first place), yes my heart was broken into a thousand pieces & I couldn’t see how I was ever going to feel ok again, but traumatised, a bit OTT maybe?  I have heard the word a few more times during my counselling sessions but I haven’t quite been able to relate to that word being in my world.  I have of course been in denial for a long time about the impact of infertility on me and its taken many sessions for me to truly open up about the devastation that it has caused in my life.  We have also talked more recently about the mind and body connect, both have to be in balance and it is clear that I’m not quite there yet with the balance.

And so this week, I met someone new for acupuncture.  I was reluctant to find someone new but circumstances dictate that I can’t see the person I have seen previously.  I was gutted about that because she has been an important part of my journey thus far.  I’m hoping acupuncture can help me stay balanced through our upcoming cycle, as it has done previously.  As with all of the professionals I meet about our fertility struggles, I have to go through the last 7 years with a fine tooth comb, reliving each and every cycle that didn’t result in a positive pregnancy test.  When I got to the end, she put her pen down, sat back in her chair and said something that I’d heard before

“You have suffered so much emotional and physical trauma, how have you coped” 

As she said the word trauma, I was sent back to my first counselling session.  A thought flashed through my mind, 2 people in my life saying the same thing, it can’t be coincidence, its time to take notice and acknowledge the trauma that I have been through repeatedly.  I sat there and wondered why the hell I was about to put myself through this again, why do I want to go through that trauma again.  There is a simple answer, I don’t want to go through it again but hubby and I would like a family and to have a chance of achieving that I have to do IVF.

Our conversation continued.  Talking about our IVF cycles she asked me about the outcome of FET number 5, I said, that one failed too.  She looked straight at me and said that she never wanted to hear me say the word failure again.  In her view, it brings a negativity that is hard to shake off.  In that moment I knew she was right.  In using the word “failure” I’m setting myself up to feel like I’m the one that has failed.  I have not failed because our embryos did not implant.  The reason I ended up in some very dark places previously was because I felt like I had failed.  Our embryos not implanting is not a reflection on me or anything I have done or not done.  It is what has happened.  Its not my fault.  And so as I prepare for a new cycle, I have found myself with new grief, acknowledging the loss of our embryos.  And that makes me sad.  Sad more than words can describe.  I still need to grieve for our 12 precious embryos that didn’t make it to this world, even though we wanted them so much.  Its ok that I still need to grieve.  I will never stop thinking about them.  Its probably hard to understand the position I find myself in and that’s ok.  No-one else needs to understand.  They were our embryos, part of us, me and hubby, and they are gone.

You will never hear me say or write again that it failed or that I failed.  I can no longer use that word when talking about our fertility struggles and everything that we have been through.  I am not a failure because I can’t get pregnant.  I am many other things, but I’m not a failure.

The third moment of enlightenment came with a conversation about me not thinking treatment will ever work for us.  Why would it, it hasn’t so far?  Each time I think about an IVF cycle I relive the one before and the one before.  Its all negative.  It is the impact of suffering repeated trauma.  It is something I have talked about in counselling, that I don’t believe I will ever be able to get pregnant, and I have worked to try and understand the connection between mind and body but I’ve never really managed to understand why I feel physically tense when I think about IVF.  The person I was sat with explained that if I hold negativity about what has previously happened then my whole body will react to this negativity, it will become tense and so things may not work quite the way they should.  She said that I need to let go of the past and move forward positively without the dark cloud of the previous cycles hanging over me, both physically & emotionally.  Yep, she is right about that too.  This hit me like a bolt of lightening.  This has to change, I have to continue to change.  I have changed so much since my breakdown but I know I still have a way to go to being healed.  I need to heal physically as well as continue to heal emotionally (and I have already come along way on the emotional front).

We talked about whether I was ready for another IVF cycle.  I started to get a little angry because I’m ready and I’m committed to this next cycle, we are doing this, its the right time.  As we are doing a freeze all I explained that I know the stimulation cycle is going to be traumatic for me, both physically and emotionally.  Mainly because I’m petrified of OHSS and rightly so.  Pumping myself full of drugs isn’t ideal and I wouldn’t choose to do it, but I don’t have a choice.  After a lengthy discussion, I had my acupuncture session and I felt good when I left.  This person has definitely entered my life at the right time & is another person who seems to ‘get it’.

And so once the first part of the IVF cycle is done, it will be time for me to heal myself before we move to a frozen embryo replacement cycle, as long as we get some good quality embryos that is.  I have promised myself that I won’t jump into another FET, I will do it when the time is right.  After all, this is likely to be our last cycle so I have to make sure that I am ready for it, both physically and emotionally.

This week we also visited the clinic, got my protocol, had blood tests and we are all set to go.  My protocol has changed from Gonal F to Menopur.  I wasn’t expecting it and Menopur has made me so ill in the past that when I saw it written down I had a panic.  This isn’t going to be easy, but lets hope its worth it.  I’m starting on 112 of Menopur, which is different to both my previous cycles.  I get a blood test on day 4 of stims to see what my E2 is doing and then the dose may change.  It already feels like I’m being taken care of.  The nurse told me there are notes all over my file about being an OHSS risk and that everyone is aware of it.  I was going to ask if they knew of me because of the Twitter blocking incident, but I didn’t feel it was quite appropriate!  So, now we wait for day 1 of my next cycle and then make the phone call to ask to start treatment.

We also had a couples counselling session after our prep appointment which helped us both massively, even if it did get emotionally charged a few times.  We now know what each of us needs from each other to get through the next 6 weeks.  We have never done it before a cycle but I’m really glad we did.  We have to be kind to ourselves, to each other and most of all we have to talk.  Even if we don’t want to talk for fear of upsetting the other one, we have to say how we are feeling.  Its the only way and we are both more than ok with that.

So, for this cycle I have a new perspective and a new approach.  No more negativity.  No more doubting the clinic.  Hubby is firmly by my side, holding me whilst I grab onto him for dear life, going through every twist and turn together, after all this is as much about him as it is about me.  We also have our friends and family around us helping us to hold ourselves together as we head into something that I know is going to be traumatic.  I also have 2 people walking with me, both helping in different ways to keep me balanced and focussed.  Both encouraging me to look after myself, reminding me to be kind to myself and acknowledging that what I’m heading into isn’t going to be easy, but that I’m going to be ok.  One is new in my life, the other has been walking with me for nearly 2 years now, I know I need them both in order to stay positive and work through the inevitable melt downs that are going to come over the coming weeks.  All of the people that are supposed to be in my life right now are here.  In previous cycles hubby and I have closed ranks, tried to do this alone and I certainly haven’t let anyone help me.  I have hidden away hoping to get through it as best I can.  I cannot do it this time.  I know I am surrounded by love and that I have some amazing support.  That is all I can ask as we venture into our 9th cycle.

And as I head into another cycle I just have to remember to breathe & remember that I’m going to be more than ok…

 

 

Avocado Soup

Preparation for our 9th IVF cycle has well and truly begun.  It has been a while.  Our last IVF cycle was in February 2016 and it was all a bit last minute so I wouldn’t say I was prepared for that one at all.

I would like to think that I’m approaching this next cycle with a different mind-set.  I know going in there is a possibility of the dreaded OHSS appearing again but the clinic is trying to minimise the risk as much as possible.  We have opted for a freeze all and this time there will be no change of approach on the day of egg collection.  We aren’t having embryos replaced and I’m ok with that.  This is the bit to create the embryos only, the rest can happen sometime next year.  Which then brings me on to another fear, what if we have no embryos?  And so, as you can see, this is where the mind f*** starts.  No needles or drugs in sight and yet churning over the possible outcomes has already started.

And yet I feel calmer.  I’m not going into it thinking ‘this has to work’ and ‘if it doesn’t it means I’m a failure’.  I’m going into it hoping that we get some good quality embryos to day 5.  If that doesn’t happen then we will deal with it and decide what to do next.  I try to not let the air of panic set in and if it comes creeping up on me, I try to bat it back from whence it came.

In preparation for this cycle I’m taking better care of me, both physically and emotionally.  Things are different because I am different.  Nearly 2 years after my breakdown and I have changed, I have grown and I have learnt to accept that with or without a family I am whole.  Of course, with every ounce of my being I hope and pray that this cycle leads us to a positive at some point next year, but if it doesn’t I have promised myself that I will never venture to the depths of despair and depression again.

My diet has changed over the last few months.  This was partly prompted by the discovery that I had scar tissue from endometriosis which had fused my bowel and uterus together so I wanted to try to manage that through diet and partly knowing we were heading into more IVF.  The Emma Cannon book ‘Fertile’ has become my new recipe book of choice.  It has some lovely recipes, which are packed full of all the good stuff I need to eat.  I’m not a lover of food, never have been, but for the last 6 weeks I have been making soups for lunch (including Avocado soup, which sounds odd but is amazing btw), making sure I eat breakfast everyday (& not just a cereal bar and coffee) and eating as healthily as I can.  I also need to up my protein levels so I’ve turned to Dr Hazel Wallace & for some variety I’ve been using Madeline Shaw recipes too.

Of course, I’m taking a heap of supplements.  On my very first IVF cycle I struggled to take the one a day pre-conception supplement.  Now I’m on that plus things to help improve egg quality, given my poly-cystic appearing ovaries and my now older age.  I suppose you could say that my Saturday morning shopping spree on Amazon that cost me £81 is one of those hidden costs of IVF.  And that’s just a months worth of stuff.  It has been nearly 8 years since our first IVF cycle and I’m now the wrong side of mid-thirty, rather than the pre-thirty year old that I was back then.  Yep, definitely need to get my eggs into the best shape.  Hubby is also taking his supplements, the conception tablet plus a couple of vitamins in higher dose.  Lets see if any of these things make a difference.

I’m not one for exercise, it bores me to be honest.  I do however get to walk twice a day with our gorgeous pooch.  The walking is not only good for my mental health, but it means I get an hours exercise a day.  That’s got to help…surely?  Getting the blood flowing and all that jazz.

I’ve done acupuncture with a number of my cycles.  Although I have never had a positive pregnancy test, I know that it helps me stay calm and focussed.  For that reason, I am doing it again.  I have to do whatever I feel is right for me and whatever keeps me balanced.

We have a new clinic and a new approach.  Both things were important to me, there seems little sense in keeping doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.  But that’s just my view.  The fact that we have a new set of expertise and a clinic that we are both really happy with has been important.  In putting ourselves through this again, I particularly have had to find someone that I trust to take care of me.  I hope that I have found it.  I will even forgive the fact that they temporarily blocked me from their Twitter account, but that’s a story for another time!  My quest to be a fertility warrior ran away with me.

I think the most important thing to me is how we both cope emotionally with this next cycle.  It feels like its taken us a while to get here and this time last year I would have said we would never have done it again.  And yet here we are, finding the strength in each other to give it another try.

This is the first cycle that I am going into and having counselling before we even start.  I have been seeing my counsellor regularly since April 2016 and without it I would not be going for this again.  I will continue to see her before, during and after this cycle.  I need the outlet and I need the therapy, and that’s ok.  It doesn’t mean I’m a failure, it means I’m prepared, ready & able to deal with this.  If it all goes horribly wrong, I now have an amazing support system in place.  Hubby and I will also see her together, its important to me that we can talk through what its going to be like to do this again and how we navigate whatever comes our way.  It doesn’t show a weakness in our relationship, in fact for me it shows the opposite.  For the first cycle ever we are considering our relationship and how it will be impacted.  One thing we have struggled with previously is to keep talking to each other as we go through a cycle.  I have felt in previous cycles that I can’t tell him how I’m feeling because he is also going through it.  This time we are both committed to keeping the lines of communication open.  If we don’t, I know we will struggle to get through this again.  I think we are both realistic about what we need in order to get through this in the best shape we can.

I’ve never had access to a support group before, but now I do.  In fact, I run the one for Staffordshire on behalf of Fertility Network UK.  It started as a closed Facebook group but I have just arranged our first meet up in a few weeks time.  I’m hoping that being part of a support group with those who are going through a similar thing will help me through our next cycle.  I just hope the meet up goes well and I’m not stressing about it!

I will be staying away from on-line forums.  For each and every one of my previous 8 cycles I have joined the groups of people going through cycles at the same time.  Whilst to start with I found them immensely helpful, I reached the point where my negatives were compounded by others getting positives.  I will write a future post about my experience of forums, but for me on this cycle I am choosing not to go down that path.  I am truly focussed on me and our cycle rather than the cycles of others.  This may sound selfish coming from someone who advocates supporting others, but for me, right now, for this cycle, the on-line forums aren’t right place for me.  And that’s ok.

So, for the next 7 weeks, I need to put me first, whatever that means.  I will not be taking on other peoples problems right now.  Of course, if any of my friends are reading this & have any major meltdowns please know I will ALWAYS be here for you.  You just may not get much sense out of me if I’m pumped full of hormones!

This IVF malarkey isn’t straightforward.  The prep starts long before the drugs start.  Its immense.  Its hard to know what to do and not to do, its hard not to worry, its hard not to think about all of the possibilities.  Most of all its hard to know that this may be our last opportunity to become parents.  We have pulled together every ounce of strength & courage that we have and we are giving it our all.  It is for that reason that right now we are number one & we are concentrating on us.

So we have a prep appointment & final blood tests later this week.  Apparently they need to teach me how to inject myself,  I think I got that one down to a fine art.  It will then hopefully be all systems go to start towards the end of the month.  Of course, it could all change, but if not, IVF number 9…lets do this.  I hope the avocado soup is worth it!

The puppy that helped me to heal

Hubby always wanted a dog. I didn’t want a dog, I wanted a baby.  IVF failure number 6 hit us both hard and we struggled to move on.  I struggled to get out of bed every morning, what was the point, I had nothing?  A few weeks after we got our negative result I started to look at pictures of puppies on-line, why not, I’d got nothing else to do.  One evening we were sat watching TV & I just quite randomly said “Let’s get a dog”.  I don’t even know where it came from!  Hubby nearly fell off his chair and just kept asking if I was sure.  Why not?  We had waited years for a baby that was never coming, we needed to move on.

Hubby wanted a Cockapoo so I left the research on breeds to him.  I knew nothing about caring for a dog, neither of us had ever had one.  He found a breeder and arranged for us to go and see 2 apricot Cockapoo’s.  A few days later we went to see them.  I was really disappointed, I just didn’t connect with them.  Everyone said we would just fall in love and come away with one and I kept saying no, we would know when it was the right one for us.  Neither of them were right for us, one was swinging from the curtains hanging on with its teeth and the other wouldn’t come to us, so we said we would leave it.  The breeder said they had a chocolate colour one and would we like to see him.  Yes, we said.

The first time we saw him, we fell in love with him.  As he came towards us, hubby just said “look at him, he is the one”.  We spent a bit of time with him and I picked him up and put him on my knee.  He curled up into a ball & fell asleep.  In that instant my heart melted and I knew he would be part of our family.  A few days later we picked him up and brought him home.

I’d done as much research as I could & I became a frequent visitor to the pet shops for the next week.  OMG this was amazing, I got to buy new things, and lots of them!  The first day he was home he didn’t do much other than sleep, I think he was in shock.  Truth is, so was I.  I now had something else to think about, something was completely dependent on me.

The next few weeks were a struggle for me, my anxiety levels sky rocketed.  I was anxious when we left him.  The first time he barked, I cried & said I couldn’t cope with it.  I paced around the garden with him to get him to wee, he did nothing and then came inside an pee’d everywhere.  What the hell had we done?  I was really struggling to settle with him and not worry about him all the time.

I remember carrying him through the house, him in mid flow, a pee trail over the floor of most of the house, just to get him outside quickly.  By the time I got him outside he had finished!  He just didn’t seem to be getting the whole pee outside thing and 2 weeks in I was getting frustrated, more at myself than him. But, week 3, something clicked and he finally got it!  Yey, no more pee to mop up!

I knew I was struggling so I took some time off work to spend time with him.  This was the turning point for me and we started to bond.  I took him for a long walk every day (well as far as a 14 week old puppy could walk), I talked to him, played with him and this is when I realised dogs do have an amazing life, he slept for about 18 hours of the day.

So, our bond firmly cemented and I slowly started to heal.  Somehow the infertility stuff got pushed to the back as we concentrated on our gorgeous puppy, J.  We had something to talk about and focus on, something other than IVF & having a baby.  I had a reason to get out of bed each morning, something else needed me.  I walked every day and I think this has been a huge plus for me.  Fresh air and space to think, space to clear my head before work and after work also helped with the work stress.

On the days when I feel awful, he brings a huge slice of happiness to me.  There is nothing nicer than doggy snuggles when you are feeling down.  I have spent lots of time training him, which has been a great thing for me to focus on, something different.  Apparently our four legged friends aren’t born knowing how to sit, lie & walk by your side, who knew!  The first two J mastered quickly, the walk command took 12 months, he preferred either acting like he was part of a sled pulling team or standing like a Meerkat on 2 legs when he saw another dog.  Lots of time, patience and more importantly treats, he now walks by my side like he has always known what to do.

He has been to the emergency vets twice, both times I cried all the way there.  We had to leave him overnight the second time and I was in bits.

Our family love him as much as we do.  When we visit someone there is no “Hello, how are you?”, the first question is “Where is the dog?”  Yep, we are good, thanks for asking, nice to see you too!

He has helped me through some of my darkest days & through some of our toughest days together.  He has helped me to heal my broken heart & has made me realise that I’m not cold and detached from the world, I’m actually full of love.  Sometimes I look at him and my heart literally bursts, tears come to my eyes.  I think its a reminder of the love we have in our family and the love that we would have been able to share had we had children.  J brings a smile to my face everyday, even if he is being naughty (and he can be very naughty…or maybe mischievous).  He has me wrapped around his paw, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I come home from work & he is waiting, always glad to see me and showers me with his version of affection (mostly jumping and licking).  In an instant, the worries of the day at work disappear.

I couldn’t see how I was going to get through life with nothing.  But I don’t have nothing.  I have a family and it is our family of 3.

He is my boy & I love him with all my heart.  I always will.

I will leave you with some pictures of his first 18 months with us, just because…

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