So today I was going to follow on from my last post with the story of our first IVF cycle. This morning I changed my mind. I woke up full of anger at our situation, with the realisation that infertility truly does suck. I don’t think the hormonal headache, the feeling like I have a hangover when I haven’t drunk a drop of alcohol and the immense stomach pain that occurs each month on cycle day one has helped my frame of mind. I’m not one for using bad language but this ‘quote’ pretty much sums up how I feel today about our infertility…
And so I wrote a list of all of the reasons why, in my opinion, infertility sucks. I thought it might help me and others if I shared the list so that I could off load and others would know its normal to hate infertility & what it does to you. You may relate to all, some or none of my list but here is part of the list anyway.
Infertility Sucks because…
- it makes me sad
- it makes me cry
- it’s broken my heart into a thousand pieces over & over & over again
- I have had to isolate myself from so many situations just to feel like I can survive
- it hurts in a way that cannot be described
- it means that I’m never likely to be a mummy
- it has stripped me of something so deep that I cannot begin to explain
- it makes me feel like my body has failed me, failed us, failed our embryos
- at times I feel broken, it has broken me
- I have to ask for help just to get through some days
- it has made me feel weak
- at times it feels like we’ve wasted literally years of our lives trying to achieve the impossible
- it’s just shit
I actually feel better for thinking and writing about some of the thoughts and feelings that infertility has forced me to face. Today I have thought about all of the above and a whole lot more. It has been one of the toughest days for a while but I know that I will be ok.
There is a strength that comes with being able to recognise that you aren’t having a good day and that you aren’t ok. It means that you can take a step back and try to look after number one. There are times on this journey where you have to be selfish, to know that its ok not to be ok and its valid to feel the way you do. You are not alone on those bad days, just as I know I am not alone today.