This week was our ‘follow up’ appointment following my miscarriage. We could have gone a few weeks ago but I needed time and space before I ventured back there. IVF clinics are strange places, nervousness and optimism hang in the air, silently people wait for whatever is coming next for them. I have lost count of the number of appointments that we have had in clinics. Too many too count & probably more than anyone should have in a lifetime. On the week that would have been our 12 week scan, instead we waited to see the consultant to talk about our next frozen embryo replacement. To say I had mixed feelings would be an understatement. I sat waiting and just kept thinking, I shouldn’t be here, I don’t want to be here. I imagine everyone else sat waiting is also thinking exactly the same thing.
We had it in our minds that we would do the next cycle in June. The plan was two weeks away on holiday and then come back to start treatment a few weeks later. It felt like a good plan. As soon as I sat down I clocked the notice that said they were closed for lab work in July, which meant that between certain dates patients are unable to request treatment. I know my cycle dates, June isn’t happening. I will miss the cut off by about 3 days. Just brilliant.
The consultant kept us waiting for 25 minutes. How appointments are running 25 minutes late at 10am I have no idea. At least she will have read our notes in that time…surely? That will be a no then.
Sitting in front of a new consultant who hasn’t read our file was a little frustrating. She was lovely, but I just wish they would at least read the file. What don’t they get about how exhausting it is to keep going over the last 10 years? Her first words took me by surprise…’how are you?’ and ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’. Wow, some compassion. Instantly the atmosphere changed. She asked me some questions about the miscarriage, when I started to bleed, when I stopped taking drugs, if I had taken a test 2 weeks after to make sure it was negative…all of this is or should be ON MY FILE.
Her view is that it was a positive thing that I got pregnant. Obviously the miscarriage was not the outcome everyone hoped for…but…for the first time ever I got pregnant. We have 5 excellent quality blasts in the freezer. As this is my first miscarriage, there is nothing to indicate that there is an underlying problem with me, the likelihood is (in her opinion) that the problem was with the embryo. She is very hopeful (her words) that I can get pregnant and have a baby. No more tests needed. Just bad luck I suppose.
I asked about the steroids and clexane. She prefers a natural approach unless we have known issues. Do I have killer cells? Yes…READ THE FILE. Ok, she will prescribe steroids. Do we have known blood clotting issues? Yes…READ THE BLOODY FILE. Ok, she will prescribe Clexane. If I get a positive I start aspirin. Progesterone injections are my choice, I choose them.
My body dealt with the miscarriage as it ‘should have’, which apparently is positive. My cycles have returned to normal straight away. We can go ahead with another transfer, as soon as I feel ready. I came away filled with renewed hope. We have some great quality blasts and maybe at least one will become our future child. The cloud of ‘this is never going to happen’ has started to lift. The sadness is fading and being replaced with a new feeling. A feeling of hope and optimism.
She talked to us about the clinic closure. My cycle in June falls after the cut off date. Why is nothing ever straight forward? Why am I always left with huge decisions to make? So, we either start again in a few weeks, whilst we are away on holiday. Or we wait until mid-July. We have a week to make the decision because I will need to take the delightful oestrogen patches on holiday with us if we decide to start on the next cycle.
I suppose the question is, do I feel ready? I will never be ready to see another embryo on the screen before it is put back inside me & I will never be ready to take another pregnancy test again. I have come to the conclusion that I will never ‘feel ready’, we just have to make the decision and go for it. Is 2 months long enough to wait in terms of being physically and emotionally ready? Is 4 months too long to wait and will I just end up being an anxious mess in the meantime, it feels like a long time to wait. Part of me wants to wait because then we have hope for longer, the other part of me wants to get going again because I am loosing patience and I want to be pregnant again.
Either way we are heading towards transfer cycle number 8 with embryo 14. I am left with 2 questions:
- How the hell did we get here?
- Why us?
Right now this is how I feel about infertility…