Two weeks ago I felt like my life was falling to pieces and there was nothing I could do to stop it. In my last post I wrote about surviving the first seven days after my miscarriage. Another week has passed and still the grief hits me in waves. I have also felt the anger come to the surface. The questions that no-one can answer, why me? why us? why did this happen? In reality, we will never know why. All we do know is that we have been through so much in the last 10 years since being given our infertility diagnosis, I really don’t know how much more we can take.
For the last week, each morning when I left the house for work I have cried. It starts when I tell our puppy, J, that mummy loves him. I haven’t stopped saying it, I have said it to him since the day we had him, just now it seems more loaded. I know one day it won’t bring the tears, but for now, it does and that’s ok. My grief, my tears are an expression of love.
The loss, the grief, the hope that gives us nothing but heartache, the sadness, the tears, the anger, the feeling of being broken, the emptiness, the sheer exhaustion of it all. In the immediate days after our loss, I wondered if I would ever be able to put me and us through it again. Sometimes I feel done. I can take no more. Then I think about the 5 embryos that we have frozen, the embryos that we created (with a lot of help from the embryologists of course) and I know I cannot walk away from them. I also know that it has changed me, just as infertility changed me, this too has left a mark on me that will last forever. I know I have already started to move forward. But I will never forget.
Each day feels a little easier and then it hits again. But that’s ok. We have tried to resume normal life. We have even started to think about the future again, we have to otherwise what else do we have. The FET cycle that we just went through is now over, it has ended. It ended in the most awful way and I wish it hadn’t, but no matter how much I want to change it, I can’t.
I am reminded that with endings, come the possibility of new beginnings.
We have 5 more embryos waiting for us. I need to start looking after myself again, getting healthy and basically I need to stop consuming my body weight in chocolate. I have no idea how long it will be before I feel ready to go through another FET cycle, but I know I will get there. And when I do, I need to be as healthy as possible.
We have a holiday booked so we can get some time away and hopefully some sunshine. It will give us some time out and hopefully some space to heal. To breathe. To just be.
This week I finished my college course. Another ending. I have spent the last 6 months with some truly amazing people, all on their own paths, but all of us trying to reach the same end point of becoming counsellors. I have been touched by each and every person in some way, the stories that they have shared and the safe space that was created so that I too could grow. I feel lucky to have been on a learning journey with each of them. Many of them are continuing to study together, my path is different. So, I said a heartfelt goodbye to each and every one of them. The tutor has held us together as a group, encouraged us, questioned us, guided us and most importantly has allowed us to just be us. I feel privileged to have been taught by her. She too has touched my life in a positive way and she has helped me to grow and flourish. Saying goodbye to them all was hard, but I know in this course ending, we are all moving to a new, wonderful beginning.
It is 6 months until I start my university course and I can’t wait to get going! Last week in the throws of sadness and anger I was going to withdraw from the course but with the dark clouds slowly clearing I can see that would be a huge mistake and if I want this I have to grasp the opportunity with both hands and give it my all. No-one else is going to change my life, my career, only I can do that.
And so I have made progress. I have bad moments, sad moments, angry moments, moments when I think depression is seeping back into my life. But they are just that, moments. Moments that pass. Moments that are followed by brighter moments. One day at a time, things are getting easier. The miscarriage has changed me, why wouldn’t it? I will never forget and I will never stop thinking about what might have been. But I am digging deep to find the strength & courage to move forward. It is all I can do to get through this.