Feeling Stuck & Tired

Time seems to be going so fast, yet it seems that I’m stuck in the same place I have been for many years.  It feels like I’m treading water or maybe trying to wade through treacle.  It’s one step forward and two steps back…all of the time.

I’m tired of the complexity of infertility.  I’m worn down by it all.  I’m exhausted by the whole thing.  I’ve had enough of it, I want it to stop and I want to step off.  I just want to get up in a morning and not think about IVF, having a family, not having a family and most of all I don’t want to think about staring at another negative pregnancy test.  The fear it real, so very real.  Part of me feels completely numb to the whole thing but maybe that’s just a bit of self protection.

Maybe it’s the January blues, maybe its the crap going on at work or maybe it’s the reality of heading into another frozen embryo replacement.  I don’t know but whatever it is I need to snap out of it…quickly.

Work has been a roller coaster.  Firstly I was facing redundancy with no obvious job for me.  Now I’ve been told my job isn’t being touched in this restructure (thank you for the 6 weeks of stress I’ve been through) but my job will change and I think it will have more stress.  That is a very real worry.  Even after everything I have been through I don’t think I handle stress very well.  I would say I’m a flight not fight type of person.  You maybe wouldn’t think so given my all out war with infertility over the past decade (yes, its been a decade), but in most situations I want to run for the hills at the first sign of conflict or pressure.  I just didn’t need this all right now.  We had a plan.  Now I’m not sure that we can continue with that plan whilst there is so much change going on at work.

Then I find myself questioning whats more important, work or treatment.  Treatment of course.  But work is such a massive part of my life and I don’t want to go through treatment whilst work is stressful.  Or maybe I’m just not ready to go through treatment at all.  I feel like my head is about to explode.  Its in overdrive, as it usually is when we are staring into the unknown future that is IVF treatment.  Worry and panic is starting to set in and I feel like I’m starting to loose control.  That scares me.

I hate it, I hate everything that it has done to me and to us.  I know we have to continue, we have to move forward.  I need to find some energy from somewhere.  I need to find some positivity from somewhere that this may actually work and that one of those embryos currently frozen at -196 degrees may become our future child.  Yet I constantly question why it would work when it hasn’t the last 6 times with 12 embryos.  What do I have to do to make this work?  There is probably nothing that I can do other than look after myself & stay positive.

I’m sick of hearing about trusting in a higher plan, that everything happens for a reason, that one day it will be our turn or that this year it has to be our year.  The reality is infertility is utter shit & nothing anyone says can make it better or make it go away.  We got dealt this and we are trying to live with it as best we can.

Today I’m struggling with it.  I’m tired of it and I’m worn out by it.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  It’s likely that it will be, it usually is.

You are not alone

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Feeling Stuck & Tired

  1. You have every right to feel the way you do. Infertility sucks and there is no nice way to put it. Have you thought about taking a little time to rejuvenate and refresh? Or maybe you are due for a weekend of not thinking about work or fertility treatments. Just enjoy YOU and reward yourself for all the heartache and stress that you are strong enough to get through every damn day. Sending you positive vibes ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So sorry you are feeling the weight of infertility so especially heavy right now. The truth is that nobody knows if the next one will work and there’s a good chance it won’t… but it might. That’s what’s getting me to my eighth Embryo made using egg donation. I don’t expect it to work but I’m doing it anyways. I find it helpful to be a realist and just trudge through it. Some people have to stay positive through it all, but that doesn’t work for me and maybe it doesn’t work for you. Our hopes have been shot down so so many times. But it would be such a shame to leave an embryo in the freezer. Sending you courage and love.

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  3. I woke up with these very same feelings today. My husband and I have been trying for over 3 years. 2 failed IUIs two failed IVF and two miscarriages. What’s worse is that no one knows what is wrong with me. We have seen 4 different doctors, all with a different diagnosis. Infertility is beyond exhausting and it makes you question everything. I have 7 pregnant coworkers right now…7. Most of them fell pregnant quickly after beginning to try and a couple were “whoops.” I wish I had an easy solution, but I am still in the same boat as you. I am about to get off the train and start adoption maybe…but that alone is stressful. Keep taking it a day at a time…

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  4. I’m so sorry I’m coming late to this, what a whole lot of crap you’re dealing with. It’s good that you’re not being made redundant, but bad if it adds more stress, especially at a time when you don’t need it. These things always seem to fall together don’t they, I know mine do. I know you feel crap and scared and I know you want all this to be over, I just want you to know that I think you’re incredibly brave (and I know you probably don’t feel that way, but bravery isn’t something you feel, it’s something noticed by someone else ☺️) and I’m wishing you all the positives in the world 💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • Timing is never ideal but we just have to go with it. I’m hoping once i start the drugs that I get some positivity back. I think it’s more fear of it not working again than anything else. It took so much to reach the point to do it again and now I’m worried about the next stage xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course, that’s only natural and I completely get it. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to do the transfer, because you need to keep moving forward and that’s the only way of getting a biological baby. But you don’t want to do it because what if it doesn’t work again, you don’t think your heart can take it. It’s an absolute headfuck xx

        Liked by 1 person

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