Time seems to be going so fast, yet it seems that I’m stuck in the same place I have been for many years. It feels like I’m treading water or maybe trying to wade through treacle. It’s one step forward and two steps back…all of the time.
I’m tired of the complexity of infertility. I’m worn down by it all. I’m exhausted by the whole thing. I’ve had enough of it, I want it to stop and I want to step off. I just want to get up in a morning and not think about IVF, having a family, not having a family and most of all I don’t want to think about staring at another negative pregnancy test. The fear it real, so very real. Part of me feels completely numb to the whole thing but maybe that’s just a bit of self protection.
Maybe it’s the January blues, maybe its the crap going on at work or maybe it’s the reality of heading into another frozen embryo replacement. I don’t know but whatever it is I need to snap out of it…quickly.
Work has been a roller coaster. Firstly I was facing redundancy with no obvious job for me. Now I’ve been told my job isn’t being touched in this restructure (thank you for the 6 weeks of stress I’ve been through) but my job will change and I think it will have more stress. That is a very real worry. Even after everything I have been through I don’t think I handle stress very well. I would say I’m a flight not fight type of person. You maybe wouldn’t think so given my all out war with infertility over the past decade (yes, its been a decade), but in most situations I want to run for the hills at the first sign of conflict or pressure. I just didn’t need this all right now. We had a plan. Now I’m not sure that we can continue with that plan whilst there is so much change going on at work.
Then I find myself questioning whats more important, work or treatment. Treatment of course. But work is such a massive part of my life and I don’t want to go through treatment whilst work is stressful. Or maybe I’m just not ready to go through treatment at all. I feel like my head is about to explode. Its in overdrive, as it usually is when we are staring into the unknown future that is IVF treatment. Worry and panic is starting to set in and I feel like I’m starting to loose control. That scares me.
I hate it, I hate everything that it has done to me and to us. I know we have to continue, we have to move forward. I need to find some energy from somewhere. I need to find some positivity from somewhere that this may actually work and that one of those embryos currently frozen at -196 degrees may become our future child. Yet I constantly question why it would work when it hasn’t the last 6 times with 12 embryos. What do I have to do to make this work? There is probably nothing that I can do other than look after myself & stay positive.
I’m sick of hearing about trusting in a higher plan, that everything happens for a reason, that one day it will be our turn or that this year it has to be our year. The reality is infertility is utter shit & nothing anyone says can make it better or make it go away. We got dealt this and we are trying to live with it as best we can.
Today I’m struggling with it. I’m tired of it and I’m worn out by it.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. It’s likely that it will be, it usually is.