Today is day 9 of stimulation. This morning I did 2 more injections and then headed for the clinic. Luckily I didn’t get stuck in traffic so there was no panicking. I can’t say I was’t nervous because I was. I just hoped that some of my follicles had increased in size.
The good news is that they have! I have 21 follicles, 9 on the left and 12 on the right. The largest one is now 18 mm, so that’s at 5 mm growth spurt in 2 days. I also have two or three at 17 mm, a number at 16/15/14 mm ones and then the rest are 12-10 mm. The hope is that the 16 – 14 mm ones continue to grow and contain eggs. There is also the potential for a couple of the smaller ones to catch up too, but that’s less likely. I know I wasn’t going to compare to my last full stim cycle, but at this point in that cycle (which made me really ill) I had 31 follicles, so we have a lot less. There is no estimation of the number of eggs we may get, we just have to wait and see what happens.
I went for a counselling session after my scan and bloods. I needed it. I hadn’t really realised that I needed to offload all of the stuff that has been whirling around and building over the last week. All of my fears…over stimulation, the OHSS risk, poor quality eggs, having no eggs, no fertilisation, failed embryo development. It is all here and all present. I have come to realise that IVF is just a series of hurdles to jump over and at each one we may clear it or we may hit it and fall flat on our faces. Talking about each hurdle and gaining a sense of perspective at each stage has been vital for me in this cycle. I went into the session feeling tense and emotional. I came out feeling lifted, positive and hopeful. I think I often deny the enormity of what we are going through and its ok that sometimes I question it or have a wobble. It’s going to be ok, I’m going to be ok. I’m just glad I decided to continue to go for counselling alongside this cycle, it seems for once I made the right decision.
Two things happened in the car on the way home.
Firstly the clinic called. They want me to take the drugs tomorrow and then tomorrow evening I will take the final trigger shot. Egg collection will be on Thursday. I have no idea of a time yet, apparently they are going to text me tomorrow to let me know what time to take the last injection and the time for collection on Thursday. How very modern. Lets just hope they text the right number. Holy crap this is happening.
Secondly, a song came on that I’ve not heard in a while. It’s called ‘Thy Will’ by Hillary Scott (of Lady Antebellum for those who are thinking who?). Anyway, she wrote the song as she struggled through acceptance following a miscarriage, trying to understand why it happened and how could something like that be part of God’s plan. I have heard this song many times and every time I hear it something touches me. I will never understand why this is us, I don’t think that I will be able to accept that this is part of a wider/higher plan, its just too cruel and heartbreaking. I feel like I lost my faith somewhere along the way and I suppose this song reminds me of the faith I once had and that it’s hard to keep hold of it when something bad comes into our lives. I struggle to find the words, she finds them perfectly.
This is the link to what is, in my opinion, a beautiful song, in case you want to listen.
And so, as I head into the unknown, full of hope and full of fear, I will leave you with some of the words from the song…
I’m so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done
I know you’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you’re God
And I am not
Thy will be done